How Do You Overcome Being Hurt By Others?

This came out of a conversation I had with my 10 year old. I asked her what she thinks about when someone hurts her and her response was 'I wonder why they hate me'. Of course, I recognized the teachable moment immediately! Here are some nuggets from our conversation...

1. Remember everyone does the best they can in a given moment. We're all human. We don't always make the best decisions. What you may think is a bad decision may seem right to someone else. Try to be understanding and see things from their perspective and do your best not to judge. We'll never know what someone elses intentions are or why they do certain things because we've never walked in their shoes. If you find yourself judging others, don't judge yourself! Notice the thought and let it go. Just being aware of it and making a conscious decision not to judge, minimizes your chance of slipping into that behavior. What I like to do is notice the thought, let it go and then bless that person and send them positive thoughts/energy.

2. Every person and encounter happens for a reason. Ask yourself, what can you learn from this, even though it hurts. What may be the reason that this happened. How can I do better or help others as I learn from this?

3. How important is this in the grand scheme of things? Often when we get hurt by people, it feels like that's all we can focus on but when we take a minute to reflect, it's often not something that's going to have a big impact in the long term (unless we let it). We can choose to reframe it and learn from it so we can let go of the hurt and pain.

4. Forgiveness. This is a tough one. Sometimes people consistently hurt us and others, and we don't understand it. What we need to remember is hurt people, hurt people. Try to have compassion for others. It's also important to recognize when a relationship is toxic and it's best to cut ties rather than constantly forgiving and ending up in the same cycle (that's another discussion, for another time).

5. Being vulnerable. If the relationship is important to you, talk to the person about how their words or behavior makes you feel (not about what they're doing wrong). They may not even be aware of it. A great deal of healing takes place when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. This is also how we strengthen relationships and build trust.

6. Don’t take it personally. Easier said than done, I know. Often when someone hurts us, it's a reaction they choose to have, whether the intention is good or bad. We have a choice in how we interpret it and how we let it affect us. Remember, holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. We can either choose to let these moments shape us or break us. What will you choose?

If this is an area you struggle with, I would love to speak with you to see how I can help. You can book a FREE strategy session with me by using this link: http://www.bookedin.net/life-and-leadership-coaching-for-women

Have an amazing, blessed day!


Sharissa is a life and leadership coach for women, specializing in the areas of career transition and advancement as well as work/life balance. She is a speaker, writer, radio talk show host, co-owner of Stop.Smile.Breathe. Women's Retreats, and serves on the Board of Directors of a non-profit organization called Empowering Women as Leaders.

She has held leadership positions in the technology field at Fortune 500 companies, the federal government and multinational companies, among others, for over 12 years. She enjoyed coaching and mentoring throughout her career and decided to start a business based on her passion for helping women.

The mission of her business is to help women live a well-balanced life of purpose, joy and fulfillment where they’re thriving and not just surviving.

www.sharissasebastian.com         

info@sharissasebastian.com

 

Source: www.sharissasebastian.com

The Number One Killer Of Dreams

What is the number one killer of dreams?

... Insecurity? 

... Laziness? 

... Lack of drive? 

All of those things can  contribute to us not getting what we want out of life.  But in my opinion, the biggest factor keeping us from pursuing our dreams is a simple 4-letter word....fear.

Fear attacks us from all sides. We’re afraid to fail, afraid to not do “what’s expected of us”, afraid of looking bad, afraid to succeed! We’re afraid of losing money, prestige, standing in the community. Afraid of what “they” will think of us.

So we ignore our inner voice. We stuff down the yearning inside of us. We play it safe. We stay in our lane. And life goes on… and on… and on.

And sometimes, most of the time, things work out ok.  And that’s fine. Except for that nagging voice that always wonders “what if”.  What if I had gone for that promotion, moved to another city or country, found the courage to leave a bad relationship or a job I detest instead of settling for “it’s better than nothing”?

But sometimes the nagging sensation eats at us, and we slowly over time realize that “there’s got to be more to life than this”. Yet we allow our fear to keep us trapped in that smaller, safer place. And we become miserable. And we may in turn make the other people in our lives miserable too.

Here’s the thing.

I’m on a mission y’all.  I want to inspire and support people to push past their fear and say “yes” to themselves. I know what it’s like to say “no” to my inner voice, who quietly prodded me to try something new. And I shut her down… QUICKLY (in 30 seconds flat - to be specific).  

And now I also know what it’s like to say “yes” to myself and pursue my gift.  No I’m not a millionaire, and this is still a “side gig” for me.  But let me tell you… I’m having a BALL!  If you’ve listened to my radio show or been to one of my workshops, I’m sure it’s pretty evident.  And THIS feeling is what I feel called to help others achieve.  Because at the end of the day, we only get one crack at this thing called life.  And I’m determined to squeeze every drop out of it. 

Take a few minutes to ponder this…

We’ve got a little more than 90 days left in 2014.  What are you going to do with the rest of it?

Try this exercise for me.  Are you game?  OK… Here we go.

Sit comfortably for 5 minutes and ponder these questions. If you want, write about it. Or just think. If now is not a good time, print this out and come back to it. Trust me – it’s worth it. 

1.   What do I want that I haven’t allowed myself to consider – for whatever practical reason (or out of fear)?

2.    What would change if I allowed myself to consider the POSSIBILITY of pursuing this thing?

3.    How do I feel right now even thinking about this?

4.    What ONE thing can I do that is within my power, time and resources, to make a positive impact in my life before 2014 ends?

What came up for you? Did that feel exciting or SCARY? Empowering? If you came up with something positive to do before 2014, I implore you to follow through on it – no matter how big or small.  Because here’s the bottom line.  Life ticks by… moment by moment… day by day... And we look up and it’s 10 years later.  Carpe Diem my friend! Seize this moment.  Who knows where this one decision will take you!

Today I’m not selling anything. I just want to encourage you to think more about what’s possible in your life. And if this message encouraged you or caused even a tiny shift, I’d love to hear about it.  If you know someone who would benefit from this message, please forward it on. 

Pay it forward! 


Trina Ramsey is a career and life coach, specializing in personal transformation and career transition. With 20 years of experience in business and management, Trina is a "people person" and a change agent. Trina started her business, Perspectives Plus Coaching in 2009 after spending 15 years as a nonprofit fundraiser and experience running her own interior decorating business.

For more on Trina visit trinaramsey.com. @PerspectivePlus or https://www.facebook.com/CareerTalkWithCoachTrina

Source: www.trinaramsey.com

It Takes Guts! To Find The Courage To Change

It’s the start of a new year and we are already through a good portion of the month. The new year is an awesome time of year for most. Ushering in a new year offers you a fresh start, a new beginning, and depending on your mindset, an opportunity to start with a clean slate. In my opinion, the new year is liberating. On the other hand, it can also be quite overwhelming, if you don’t know where to start. How many times have you seen or heard the slogan, “A New Year, A New You”? Hey, I’ve even used that slogan when setting my own personal goals. I vowed that this is the year! This year, I’m going to get in the best shape of my life, this is the year that I’m going to do that triathlon, run that full marathon. The one thing that I hadn’t considered is besides those visits to the beach, jumping waves with my niece and the dips in the baby pool with my daughter, I haven’t swam in years. Something like 25 years. I’m not even sure that I remember how to do it. Fear set in. And with that reminder, I realized that this one is going to take a bit more than resolve. This goal of mine is going to force me to use the C word. No, not cancel. Courage. A lot of courage.

So how is that New Years Resolution going for you? I’d be willing guess that, like me, it’s the same resolution from last year, and the year before, and maybe even the year before. Most of us go into the new year with grandiose resolutions to do this, and overcome that, and finally complete the third, with no real idea of how to actually get it done. We start off on the right foot, but by the 18th or so we feel like we blew it. So it’s scrapped until next year. Here’s one to consider: every day, hour, second is an opportunity to do it different. Different than the day before. That said, courage is the main ingredient or key virtue needed to persevere. Courage is the characteristic that makes all the other virtues possible.

Courage is the quality of mind or spirit that enables you to face difficulty, danger, pain, embarrassment, failure, change without fear. A new you for the new year is a great feat that cannot be achieved by responding to situations with old thoughts and behaviors. It’s time to shake those old patterns, behaviors, and stop being led by fear. Living without fear is about finding the courage to take risks, to change, and to keep going even when you fall off or fumble.

Whether you are struggling to adopt a healthy lifestyle, contemplating a career change, or worrying about ending a bad relationship, a new you will require you to embrace a new way of being. It’s not about winning, losing, or failing. It’s about having the courage to try something new. The real goal is to master your fear with courage which enables you to move toward your true self. Usually what keeps up stuck is fear of the outcome, however, a healthy mindset helps us become less attached to outcome and up for the challenge.  In 2014, build your courage muscles by using fear as your ally and expand your comfort zone, so you can make the life changes that really matter.

Whatever path you choose or goal that you are pursuing, experiencing a fulfilling life does not depend on what you do but on how you approach what you do. 

Understanding the Distinction between Belonging & Fitting In

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.
-Brene Brown

I’ve been a bit obsessed with Brene Brown lately. If you don’t know her work, you’re missing out. She has a Ph.D. in Social Work and has been studying shame and vulnerability since 2001. Her “claim to fame” came in 2007 when she did a TEDx talk titled, The Power of Vulnerability, which has been viewed by over 11.4 million people worldwide. Recently, Brene appeared on Oprah’s Lifeclass and Super Soul Sunday. In addition, she’s a NY Times best-selling author and has written 3 books. I just finished reading one of her books, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.

One of the major themes in Brene’s work revolves around the difference between “Belonging” versus “Fitting In”. Often mistaken as synonyms, these two terms have very different meanings, as well as very different impacts on your life. Let me explain.

In the preface section of her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene provides two lists of attributes (or patterns) shared by the thousands of people she collected stories from as part of her research. The first list, she labeled “Do”, and it characterized people who enjoyed a strong sense of love, community and connection. These people were able to embrace their imperfections and vulnerabilities and share them with others. Their shared attributes included worthiness, faith, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude and creativity. Good stuff, right? When I think of the “Do” category, I envision people who are loving and accepting of themselves and others, grateful for what they have, plugged into their purpose and not afraid to make mistakes.

The second list, she labeled “Don’t”, and it characterized people who denied their imperfections and vulnerabilities and tried to hide them from others for fear of judgment and rejection. Their shared attributes included perfection, exhaustion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgment and scarcity. When I think of the “Don’t” category, I envision people who put up airs to seek approval and acceptance, operate with a lack mentality and judge both themselves and others.

Brene then goes on to define each one of these terms and describes how fitting in gets in the way of belonging:

“Fitting in” is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.

“Belonging”, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are. It requires us to be who we are. Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.

Translation: In order for us to truly feel like we belong in this world, we need to love and accept ourselves. Human beings are hard wired for connection. There’s no escaping the fact that it’s in our emotional connections and our relationships that we find belonging, purpose and happiness. But there’s also no escaping the fact that our ability to make those connections is severely hindered if we can’t connect with ourselves, first and foremost.

I spent so many years seeking my “belonging” by trying to “fit in”. I tried to be cool, fiercely independent, and impervious to others opinions and judgments. I failed miserably. And for all of my attempts to “fit in”, I only created more separation and judgment in my life. (If you want to hear a little more about my story, click here.) .

The path to shifting your mindset from one of “fitting in” to one of “belonging” isn’t an easy one, especially if you’ve been conditioned to seek external approval and acceptance by others. With that said, I think it starts with being mindful of your behavior and ensuring your actions are coming from a place of authenticity and self-respect. Ask yourself what the motivations are behind your actions and if they’re aligned with who you really are. Lastly, you need to identify and open up to those trusted individuals you can share your whole self with, imperfections and all. The fact of the matter is, it’s only when we present our true selves to the world that we tap into real “belonging” and the worthiness, creativity and love that accompany it.

Can you identify ways in which you’ve been trying to “fit in” versus “belong” in any area of your life? Have you successfully shifted your life from trying to be perfect and self-sufficient to accepting and sharing your imperfections and vulnerabilities? Have any advice to share with other readers? Join in on the conversation by adding your comments below.

KEEP MOVING FORWARD!

Joel

 

Joel Readence

Joel Readence

 Joel Readence (www.joelreadence.com) is a Personal Development Coach working with gay men, and others, in areas such as life purpose, relationships, career fulfillment, spirituality & personal identity. He partners with his clients to overcome fear of success, failure & judgment by others by helping then reach their full, self-expressed potential.

Follow Joel on Facebook (Joel Readence Coaching) and Twitter (@joelreadence

What is Happiness? A Q&A with Russ Terry, Life Coach

Are you happy? It’s a simple question with a not-so-simple answer for every person. While most of us seek to be happy, what defines individual happiness may differ for each person and may depend in some ways on where we are in our lives. Someone can be happy after landing a new job or the birth of a baby, but can one achieve true and lasting happiness? I caught up with certified life coach and fellow (Syracuse University) alum, Russ Terry and asked him if it’s possible to be truly happy.

ECC: Can you briefly describe what a life coach does for those unfamiliar with the profession?

RT: A Life Coach helps people get from functional to optimal or ordinary to extraordinary.  We build confidence, break down fears, ask empowering and open-ended questions and work with people to come up with a plan for what they want to accomplish – and when.  That last part is just as important as the ‘what’.

ECC: As you know “happiness” can be defined in so many different ways and is up to each person to define it for his/herself. What is your personal (or professional) definition of happiness and do you believe it is possible to achieve?

RT: Happiness is not only possible but dare I say guaranteed.  If you decide to be happy, you will be.  Life may not always go as we plan it or would like it to, but we can choose how we respond to it.  In other words, we can dwell on the bad things that do happen or the good things that don’t, or we can instead just enjoy all the great things that do happen.  That’s what I do.  I’m grateful for all that’s wonderful in my life.  So much so that I’m writing a book called “My Gratitude Journal:  365 days of the people & things I’m grateful for and the lessons you can learn from them”.  It will be out in early 2014.

ECC: Do you believe you can achieve happiness if you don’t follow your dreams?

RT: That’s a good question.  Certainly following your dreams makes one much more likely to be happy.  However, for some people, stability is one of their core values.  They are the most happy when they’re safe, financially secure, etc.  For them, the risk of going for their dreams could very well be so stressful that it would cause them to be unhappy.

That said, I think most of us will achieve the most happiness by following our dreams.  One of the coolest parts about doing that is we can achieve higher levels of happiness and joy than we ever thought possible.  I’ve experienced this and it’s incredibly amazing.  I never imagined this life for myself and now I’m living it and loving it.

ECC:  What have you seen among your own clientele in terms of clients seeking help in leading happier lives? Have you seen any trends? And if so, in what area are they most seeking fulfillment in?

RT: The two biggest trends I see these days are that people want more balance in their life, and they want a job they’re passionate about.  (Career is definitely the #1 area people are seeking fulfillment in.)   Because life coaching is a growing profession, more and more people are becoming exposed to the fact that great things really are possible for them.  


ECC: I know one population you focus specifically on is Millennial Men, those in their 20s and early 30s. Do you find that they are generally happier or less happy than older clients? What about Millennial women?

RT: I do think younger men in general are more happy than prior generations.  Middle aged men are less able to make changes in their life because they have a wife, kids, more responsibilities, etc.  This doesn’t mean they can’t but it’s just more complicated; there are other people involved.

One of my niches as a Life Coach is women who finally want to put themselves first.  I’ve worked with many ladies of all ages and it’s common across the board for them to have been in service and done for others (job, boss, husband, kids, aging parent) before themselves.  Most women I work with are ready to change this – regardless of their age.

ECC: What advice would you give a new client who is unhappy with one particular aspect of their life?

RT: Talk to a Life Coach!  Most (including me) will give you a free session.  In that time, chances are you’ll see the benefits of it and want to move forward as a client.

ECC: Thank you for your time and I look forward to reading your new book when it arrives!

Russ Terry  Executive Producer, Life Coach Radio Networks

Russ Terry

Executive Producer, Life Coach Radio Networks

In addition to serving 50 clients in his first 18 months as a Life Coach, Russ Terry is Creator, Executive Producer and Host of the Life Coach Radio Networks (on Blog Talk Radio) and the Life Coach Television Network (on YouTube).  For more on him and to inquire about a session, go to his website (www.russterrylifecoach.com) and/or the site for his fast-growing media empire (www.lifecoachradionetworks.com).